“I’m confused about this girl. She’s hot and cold. Some days she showers me with attention like I’m the only man on the planet. Then days later she goes silent, ignores my messages and keeps me on read for days… Why is she doing this?”
Haven't we all been there?
Maybe you dated this girl for a while. She seems genuinely interested, but for some reason, you don’t know how to get her full attention. You know she’s playing games with you. But somehow, but there's something about her you can't resist. So, you play along for a while without knowing where things are heading towards…
Dating Experts Recommendations to Find a Quality Girl
Regular guys tend to struggle online but that's usually because they're using the wrong apps. The challenge is finding a dating app regular guys can have success with. These are the best options right now dating coaches recommend to find a quality girl:
| Site | Our Experience | Our Rating | Free Trial Link |
|---|---|---|---|
Best For Relationships  | Experience Highlights
| 9 | Try eHarmony |
Best For Casual Fun  | Experience Highlights
| 9 | Try AFF For Free |
Great If You're Handsome  | Tinder Highlights
| 8 | Try Tinder |
But you're frustrated because on some days she's absolutely amazing. And on other days she's an ice queen. Here's what we think...
Why Is She Hot and Cold?
A girl can go hot and cold for many reasons that you have no control over. The more women you date, the more you realize that not every single one of them will treat you the way you want to be treated. Some will be totally into you, others will be on the fence, and some will be there to play games or waste some time.
Playing hot and cold isn’t specifically a bad thing. Some girls will do this because they like you and want to know if you like them back. There are some situations – I will explain them later – where playing hard to get is a great sign that a girl is deeply into you.
But that isn’t always the case. It’s easy to mistake hot/cold treatment with rejection. Women can easily lose interest in a guy, no matter how many times they go out together.
She will ignore your calls and stop responding to your texts hoping that you get the message and move on, but instead, you’ll think she’s testing you and pursue her even harder. In this case, identifying what's going on is a skill that you must learn quickly, or else you will waste your time, energy, and money on the wrong girl.
Below, I will explain why some hot and cold women behave this way:
1. She doesn’t want to look too easy or eager
No one likes to be the chaser in the relationship, we are all egotistic.
Some girls will turn cold on you the moment they realize they've been putting more effort into you and you did into her. A relationship should be about balance, but there are women who feel like it's your job to woo her.
There are a few women out there who hate being weak when they're in love, so they will distance themselves from you as soon as they feel a spark of emotions. This isn't exactly healthy behavior, but women who have been through some not-so-great relationships do this.
2. You’re pushing too hard too soon
In other words, you like her more than she likes you.
Today, I saw a guy in our private Facebook group complaining that a girl he’s been seeing for just 3 dates is giving him hot/cold treatment after he said he wanted to make her his girlfriend.
In case you didn't see the problem, let me spell it out...
He wanted to MAKE. HER. HIS. GIRLFRIEND. After just three dates.
This is a HUGE red flag to women, especially those who detest guys who are clingy and needy.
The ultimate fantasy of a heterosexual woman is to be with a guy who has so many options to choose from but he still chooses her. Anytime you act unlike this specific fantasy, you’ll make her think twice about being with you, and thus act cold.
This means that pursuing a woman too hard too soon will scare her way. In our friend's case, rushing the girl to be his girlfriend after only three dates will fill her with doubts. She’ll think...
“OMG, that means he couldn’t believe that he got me. Or maybe he's desperate enough to want me as his girlfriend after just 3 dates. Ew. I should probably hold him off until I know what's up."
And thus, she plays cold.
The quickest way to make a woman mistrust you is to willingly give her your heart as soon as she shows any signs that she likes you. She’ll think you’re a guy who doesn’t get much attention from women. So she'll wonder what's wrong with you and she'll believe you're not worthy of her. Then she'll distance herself from you until she can assess the situation.
3. She just wants your attention (and nothing more)
Women crave attention the same way men crave sex. They like to feel wanted to a degree that she's hot and cold with you just to confuse you, have control over you, and prevent you from seeking another woman (a.k.a. another competitor).
Instead of telling you that you aren’t her type, some women will use your desire for them to milk you for attention and favors or gifts.
They’ll play nice, make you feel important, and give you a glimpse of hope that one day you may be lucky and win their jackpot. Then once they know they have you, or get what they want from you, they’ll turn cold again until the next time they want something from you.
If you think that keeping this up will mean that she'll finally fall in love with you, think again. After a while, you'll be on her "not relationship material" list because you have become a simp.
4. She’s keeping you as a backup
You haven't had the exclusive talk yet, so she's not cheating on you if she sees other guys. But she is still deciding whether or not to pursue you or someone else. She may sleep with you or show you that she likes you – which is partially true – but she’ll play cold at times to keep you around.
This hot and cold woman will be totally into you when she's not thinking about the other guy. But when he comes back into the picture, she'll go cold again. Essentially, she's got and cold with both of you.
5. She fears you may hurt her
If a woman thinks you’re a player who may hurt her someday, she may play hot and cold with you to see if you will either pursue her and remove all her doubts, or walk away and free her from being hurt.
In some cases, you don't even need to show signs of being a player for a woman to go hot and cold on you. All she needs is that inkling that you'd dump her, so she pushes you away when you get too close.
6. She's testing you
In this case, your hot and cold woman wants to see how confident you are in yourself. That’s all.
Women are wired to test men, and going from hot to cold in a blink of an eye can be her way of testing your emotional stability. A woman is more likely to turn cold right after or right before she expresses her emotions to you just to make sure she picked the right guy.
If you panic, chase or confront her, she will suspect her decision, withdraw her attention and maybe lose interest completely. However, if you give her space and act confident that she'll choose you, she’ll turn hot again, but this time, with much more respect for you than before.
7. She’s just not that into you
It’s important to realize that some girls may lose interest in you after a while. Some girls will need to sleep with you just to realize you aren't their type. So they will ignore you, and play cold, like, forever.
The only problem is when you confuse her lack of interest with playing you. You'll think she's giving mixed signals when, in her mind, it’s over.
My advice, in this case, is to pull away and see what happens. If she plays cold, re-engage her and see what happens. If she still remains cold or says she's down to going out with you then flakes right before the date, then move your focus to another girl.
What to Do if She's Hot and Cold
Playing hot and cold should mean nothing to you. N.O.T.H.I.N.G.
You’re a cool dude who cannot be phased by her games no matter what. The first step to successfully dealing with women’s tantrums, backlashes, and emotional ups and downs is to control YOUR emotions.
If someone teases you and you respond with emotions (e.g., get angry, snap at them, ignore them to make them woo you), they win and you lose. Why? Because you let them make you lose your cool.
On the other hand, if someone tries to make a dig at you and insults you, and you let it slide, you get the moral high ground.
The same thing goes when dealing with hot and cold women. Nine times out of ten, you’ll win by just refusing to play her game. Here’s how:
1. Avoid being pushy
Don’t cry, whine, complain when she's hot and cold with you. Don’t even bring up the topic during the first week or two. Most guys will panic when a girl stops giving them attention. She already had his hopes up, and now that he’s about to lose her attention, he’ll do anything to keep it steady even if it meant begging or lashing at her.
Unfortunately, this is the quickest way to lose respect from her and yourself. You should know that this is just how some women react. So be understanding. A guy who’s used to getting female attention regularly doesn’t care much when one of them withdraws hers. He’s unaffected because he knows it’s probably not about him.
2. Don’t be quick to jump to conclusions
Give her the benefit of the doubt. If a girl plays hot and cold with you and the first thought that comes to your mind is “I must’ve bored her” or “she doesn’t like me” then both your self-talk and self-worth need some fixing.
A girl can disappear for a ton of reasons, not just because she doesn’t like you anymore. Sometimes a girl will think you’re the one going hot and cold to get because you didn’t text her. So don’t blame it on lack of rapport or you will lose so many fun leads along the way.
In other cases, she is just genuinely busy. She doesn't have the time, energy or mental space to deal with you right now. It would be great if she said so, but it's better if you just, again, let it slide.
3. Give her time
There’s nothing wrong about playing cool with women. If a girl is hot and cold, give her a taste of her own medicine and see how she responds. Some women will be amazed by this level of confidence to the degree that they’ll come back knocking and complaining why you stopped pursuing them as before.
4. Re-engage (always)
After you wait a few days, send her a re-engaging text to check on her and see if she still has any interest in you. If she responds positively then pick the right moment and ask her out again. However, if she ignores you, gives you attitude, or says she isn’t available again, then move on to the next target. She isn’t worth your time.
But what if she goes out with you, then plays hot and cold again?
Then confront her.
Call her out on her behavior and tell her you don’t like flakey women or playing games – because no self-respecting man should be with a woman who can't make up her mind about you. If she behaves, treat her nicely but keep an eye on her behavior, and if she does it again, cut her off.
Finally, no matter what happens, you must stay calm and never get angry. As the great Pook puts it in The Book of Pook:
“You are an oak tree. You will not be manipulated by crying, yelling, lying, head games, sexual withdrawal, jealousy ploys, pity plays, shit tests, hot/cold/hot/cold, disappearing acts, or guilt trips. She will rain and thunder all around you and you will shelter her until her storm passes. She will not drag you into her chaos or uproot you. When you have mastery over yourself, you will have mastery over her.”
Always demand to be treated fairly and with respect. A woman doesn’t sleep with a guy she likes, she sleeps with the guy she respects. So be that guy. There’s no joy in dating a woman who doesn’t appreciate you and what you deliver. So if she's hot and cold with you even if you've given her all you can give, it might be time to find other warmer prospects.
